I can't believe it!

I have been so horrible about updating this thing. I thought this would be a good way to channel my thoughts, and include you on what is going on in my life. However, I haven't had motivation to think, let alone, think and write at the same time. I feel ok saying at this point, that I am going through a time in my life where I am not sure if I am coming or going, and I am not happy about it either way. It just seems like I keep getting hit by monstrous waves of adversity, and I can't seem to get my footing, and because of that I just keep feeling like I am drowning. It is hard to make decisions, I can't seem to get anything together. I feel unorganized and out of order. I am taking small steps to get back to normalcy, but with every one step towards normalcy, those big waves of adversity knock me back about 5. I am really struggling to hang on, but I know that the Lord, somehow, even though I don't understand how, has a purpose. I know, even though its hard to feel it, or believe it, that He is doing this for my GOOD and for His GLORY. I really don't understand how He is doing it, but I know He is. He is BIGGER than the ANGER I feel, BIGGER than the INSOMNIA, he is BIGGER than all the struggles, and HE IS BIGGER than all the feelings of hopelessness. He is HOPE and with His strength I can pull through.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a..."

Yes, we all know which word fills in the blank. This has been my attitude lately towards a lot of things. I haven't cared at all whether or not I hung out with friends, went to church, read my Bible, was happy vs sad, angry vs joyful. Frankly, my friends, I just haven't given a darn. I have purposefully not taken communion, purely because my heart hasn't been right I know it! The question: Have I cared? NO! I haven't cared that my heart hasn't been right. I want to feel justified in my anger and lack of obedience. My fear? I fear a continuation of an unrepentant heart, which in no reflects a heart that has been changed by the grace of God.

This fear floored me last night as I tossed and turned in my bed trying to sleep. I eventually got up, turned the light on, and began to read my Bible, desperately seeking a solution to my problem and desiring a true heart change. I really thought about my actions, my words, and thoughts over the past few weeks and evaluated whether someone would be able to see Christ in them. I started evaluating whether or not they reflected Christ and gave God the glory . Needless to say my evaluation came back a big fat FAIL!!!

First step in getting back on track REPENT AND CONFESS! Second step, talk to the person I have something against and reconcile the relationship. This is VERY difficult for me at the moment, but I desire a reconciled heart toward God. I feel being reconciled with fellow believers is a part of having a right relationship with God. I am growing weary having this "I don't care attitude". I must trust in the lord. He is my only hope, and the only hope worth having.

Changed settings...

I have been hearing in order to comment on my blog you have to be a registered user. I changed the settings so that anyone can comment. I hope I did it right! Please let me know! :) I would love to hear your comments and I don't think it can go without saying that its encouraging to know that people are reading this! I get emails and phone calls, but its so nice to go back and read the comments with the post! :) Have fun and hopefully you are able to comment away!!

I feel as if I haven't been doing such a great job updating this thing! I am really trying to keep you updated with THE RACE...I have to say, I am getting a little tired. There were two days last week I was sick, and I fear being sick again, seeing as how my entire department is sick! HAND SANITIZER!! Anyway, I am feeling good, and still on track.

I move up to four miles this week for a long run. I think I would be more excited had I not run 7.5 this past Sat. I do not, however, plan on running 7 miles again until the appointed time. I felt good, but I don't think I was really ready. 2 weeks of 4 mile long runs, and then I move on to 3 weeks of 5 mile long runs! :) I am getting more and more excited especially seeing some results in different areas. I feel like I am on my very own episode of "Biggest Looser"! :)

As for the "other race", ahh, running is helping, but this past week was a hard one. I am really struggling though some hard anger issues. I have been so quick tempered, easily annoyed, and the bigger problem, I haven't really felt bad about it unless it directly affects people close to me, and then its because I feel bad because I love the people I was hateful to, but not because I have sinned against God. BIG PROBLEM!

I didn't take communion because of this, and not feeling reconciled to a fellow believer in Christ, and not having a right relationship with Christ. I am thankful for the sacrifice he made, and I am thankful that there is HOPE in that sacrifice, but I didn't want to make a mockery of that sacrifice by partaking in the Lords Supper with a hard, unrepentant heart. This week, I am going to try to spend more time focusing on Christ and that sacrifice He made so I can REST in the HOPE I have in Him, instead of just knowing its there and not doing anything with it.

WOW!

What a weekend! Saturday began a day of firsts for me! It was awesome! I for the first time drank a gallon and a half of water! One whole gallon was while I was at work between the hours of 8am and 2 pm! What in the world? The other half gallon was consumed while I was accomplishing my 2nd FIRST of the day. I went running and went a total distance of 7.5 miles, only walking a mile and a half and not at the same time! Conflict: I didn't have enough nutrients in my body to go any further, so when I did eat, I accomplished my 3rd FIRST of the day; eating an entire foot long turkey sub on wheat with a stink load of veggies!!! Oh what a day!! I feel as if I am making progress!!

ouch!

Have you ever felt like your rib cage was squishing your lungs so hard you can't breath? I have only felt this twice in my life. A couple years ago when I got Bronchitis, and last night. I can't say exactly what caused it last night, and as sure as I was last night that it wasn't from running, I actually think I have changed my mind! I honestly think I ran way to hard, and way to fast for my level. I am not going to do that again! :)

oh my

Tuesday night, I left work a few min early because I was sick. I think I ate something that didn't agree with me...no flu. I slept for 12 hours and still didn't feel well Wed morning! So much for running my 2 miles! I was pretty disapointed even though I really didn't feel well, and didn't have the energy to run it.

This morning Cat and I ran at the Seminary Gym. I booked it the first mile and ran it in 11 min!!! Thats crazy for me! It was way to fast and I am hurting, but it's still an accomplishment. :)

Had a rough night last night. Thankfully I friends who love me despite how quick tempered I can be. I broke down and cried while Sarah just hugged me to calm me down. This is rough, I just want to be over it. Its a process I know. Cat and Jeff have been especially helpful as well. Its so nice to know that I have people who love me and are praying for me. I know John and Dana are doing the same. It helps and is much appreciated! Its nice to know that I have the support of my friends when it seems like the world around me is spinning out of control, and about to come out from under my feet!

Going to try my long run tomorrow...3 miles...indoors...will keep you posted! :)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

I used to drive down the road when it was 15 degrees outside, see people running, and say, "what in the world are they doing?! You will NEVER see me running outside when its this cold!" This morning I was one of those crazy people who run in below freezing weather! I went to the Water Reservoir this morning to run. There were flurries falling from a sunny sky, patches of powder snow around the walkway, and large pieces of ice in the water. It was beautiful! I wonder what it will be like when there is more snow!

So far I am feeling good. It hasn't been hard to run in the cold. This morning I think I actually had too many layers of clothes on! I got to hot and had to take off my jacket! I still had a fleece pull-over, a long-sleeve and a short sleeve t-shirt on! I also ran faster than I expected! Hopefully that will continue! :)

Tomorrows Agenda:

2 miles!

18 degrees/partly sunny

107 days until race day!

405.60 miles to run!