December 26, 2009
It amazes me how much I allow people to influence me. I allow certain people to influence me more than others; therefore I care more what they think about the situations and circumstances of my life. There is a particular person however, that I have allowed a great deal more influence than I should have. This person has challenged my thinking, and my heart, but has also hurt me, really horribly actually, and I am learning how to deal with that.
The past few weeks have started what I like to call the most difficult trail of my adult years to date. Something else later in life may surpass this, but for right now it takes the gold. I am struggling to find peace in the fact that we are to be real with one another, yet hold back enough as to not reveal too much of ourselves to the wrong people. I have felt lately like I revealed way too much of myself. I have once again turned inward, and I don’t feel the need to go too far in-depth, or expose myself entirely. I have been known for not holding back, but sharing my heart without shame for the sake of “being real” with others.
Let’s just cut to the chase, and nix all the fluff. I got my heart broken! Again! You would think after so many times I would learn not to give it away, but I for reasons only the Lord knows, still don’t get it! Only give your heart to those who are giving you theirs at the same time!!! Yes, to answer your question, I fell in love all by myself! Again…and until a few weeks ago, I would have said I couldn’t have fallen for someone more perfect. Turns out, this guy is NOT so perfect after all. I think I knew this before, I just refused to see it, or if I did see it, I refused to admit it. RESULT: Utter despair, insomnia, lack of appetite, and a possible ulcer. This is just a few of the reasons this is turning out to be the most difficult season of my adult life.
I ran today for the first time in two weeks, and I am pretty sure I need to pull it together if I am serious about running this half-marathon, or, finishing it at least. It was a hard run today. I couldn’t pace myself very well, my music was all crazy. I just couldn’t find my grove I guess. I just knew I needed to run. I have to be running three miles next week, and the week after. I increase to four miles in two weeks! April 24 will be here before I know it! I have no more down time! I have to get straight to business on this one!!!
The two races ahead of me are so difficult, and while I feel like I made progress in one today, the other feels like it is getting worse. I do think that they each go hand in hand, and the Lord is using both of them simultaneously in my life. The more upset I get, the more I want to run. The more I run, the more prepared I get for this race, and in the process, I am being shaped and molded because the Lord is teaching me through life’s storms, but also my body is physically being better shaped to a more fit lifestyle. At the end of this whole thing, I will come back to these early blogs, starting out, and I will say to myself, wow, how the Lord has worked and overcome things in my life!